Spew Brew Review: Hefeweizens

Hello everybody, and welcome to another installment of the ‘Spew Brew Review’, or really what I think of beer I try when I go out.

Today I am looking at Hefeweizens (German: ‘Hefe’ meaning ‘gross’, ‘weizen’ meaning ‘rotting bread’); an ale with a lot of wheat in it. All previous types of beer I have looked at do not have wheat, so a hefe is really quite a different take on the brewing process.

There are two main types of hefe; Weissbier and Witbier. Both equally suck.

Obviously I am no fan of the hefe, I think it is the worst German import since Henry Kissinger, so why review this swill? It is for you, the reader. Some of you may like this stuff, so in the interest of fairness, I’ll give five of these brews a shot.

1. Hales - El Jefe

4.8% ABV 24 IBU

Ugh!! It tastes like urine-soaked bread! The only thing worse than the taste is the after taste; it never leaves you. It is like a bad cigar, you brush your teeth to rinse out the pain, but to no avail. El Jefe….more like El Not-Very-Good.

Rating: 2/5

2. Ecliptic - Zenith Grapefruit Gose

4.5% ABV 10 IBU

Ugh!! It tastes like someone peed on some bread then stuffed it in a grapefruit. But as far as hefes go, this is not too bad. I can coexist with this; it has a hint of Squirt taste to it, and who doesn’t like Squirt?

Rating: 2.5/5

3. Shock Top - Belgian White

5.2% ABV No IBU

Ugh!! It tastes like someone pissed on a loaf of bread and stuffed it in my mouth. My ex used to love Shock Top; no wonder I broke up with her (at least that is how I am telling the story). This is maybe the most mainstream wit on the market, and honestly there is not much to it. I get better wit out of a Gallagher concert than this beer.

Rating: 2/5

4. Firestone Walker - Hefeweizen

4.8% ABV 15 IBU

Ugh!! It is like I was eating some bread and someone forced my mouth open and peed in my mouth as I was swallowing the bread. Firestone Walker is not a good brewery yet I see their poo products all around Seattle. Typically their stuff is bland, wish they made this beer so bland I couldn’t taste the ‘hefe’ or the ‘weizen’. But the taste are present. Believe me, it is.

Rating: 1.5/5

5. Maisels - Hefeweizen

5.2% ABV 12 IBU

Ugh!! It it like I went to the bathroom and someone came by my dinner table, gently dripped some pee on a roll I was eating as an appetizer and when I came back I thought the yellow stain was just olive oil so I ate the roll and was mildly disappointed yet I still finish the roll because I was hungry. I guess that is my way of saying this one is the best hefe of the lot.

Still, don’t drink it.

Rating: 2.5/5