USA! USA! Beer Review: America's Most Popular Beer

It’s ‘America Week’ at the Spew! To celebrate the birth of our country, this week is dedicated to what I like to call ‘The Greatest Country in the World! Or at least top 5 percentile…’

For those who say this dedication is a week late, I say ‘I didn’t know there was a time limit for loving my country, dammit!!’ So shut up and read on……

Who makes the best beer in the world? Well of course it is the United States of America. There is nothing second rate about our innovation, our manufacturing, and our love for beer.

So let’s look at the top five American beers sold in America in 2015 (reverse order of popularity):

5. Michelob Ultra Light: $508.2 million

4.2% ABV 10 IBU

What the hell is this stuff, water? There is absolutely nothing to this beer. I know they advertise this as a ‘lite’ beer, but this is not beer. This is dirty water from St Louis.

Rating: .5/5

4. Budweiser: $718.7 million

5.0% ABV 12 IBU

It’s a little better than Micky Ultra, but not by much. There is little to this brew other than a bad aftertaste and the shame you just drank a Budweiser. At least the 5 ABV makes it tolerable.

Rating: 2/5

3. Miller Lite: $884.8 million

4.1% ABV 10 IBU

Oh my. This is horrible! It tastes like my sock. It is dirty, bitter for all the wrong reasons, and makes me want to not drink beer again. Actually this brew could be used for a deterrent for alcoholics. I know people want to watch their calorie intake, but don’t they also want to stop torturing their tongue? And spell ‘light’ correctly. Shit, you are only saving one letter when you use ‘lite’.

Rating: 0/5

2. Coors Light: $1,044 million

4.2% ABV 10 IBU

OK, we all know these types of beer are not that great. They are mass produced and have no innovation at all. But this Coors Light, well it…..still sort of sucks. But doesn’t suck a ton. It has a bit of flavor and for a light beer, that is rare. It is not a bad go-to, given the only other choices are Miller Lite and fresh diarrhea.

Rating: 2.5/5

1. Bud Light: $2,022 million

4.2% ABV 27 IBU

First off, this beer has more IBU’s than all the rest, yet I could not taste the difference at all. In fact this beer tastes almost exactly like Coors Light to me. But the shocking thing is how much more this beer sells than #2: almost TWICE AS MUCH!! That really is something. No wonder they dominate the air waves with their god awful ads. You would think with a product creating over $2 billion of revenue you could at least bring back Spud Mackenzie for an encore. Regardless, this is a Plain Jane beer that has nothing to it other than ubiquitous availability in the US.

Rating: 2/5