Royal Flush

I am an anglophile. Always have been. From JR Tolkien to Monty Python to the IT Crowd to Downton Abbey to the language itself, English life and culture has always been a favorite of mine. ‘Oh, ow bout a spot o’ tea governor’, ‘I will eat a bag of potato crisps’, ‘I’ll get the spare tire from the boot’…all things I manage to say on a daily basis. In fact I am pretty sure if I was alive during the American Revolution, I would have been on the side of the good King George.

But there is one thing that perplexes me about the English; a culture dripping with intelligent witticisms and Imperialistic ideals. Why in the hell do they care so bloody much about their damn Royal Family.

Apparently, that bald guy in the picture and the Elizabeth Hurley look-alike had another kid. Why do I know this? I have no idea. But I do. And it makes me sad.

I hate this whole soap opera, palace intrigue, or whatever you want to call it. This fodder for the tabloid media, for some reason, gets eaten up by UK masses like my dog on a Milk Bone. I know the Royal Family hearkens back to a day when the rose and set on the English Empire, a sort of ‘Golden Age’ for that little isle tuck away in the corner of the world. But c’mon now!! Really England, you are behaving like a high school football star who burned out in college, on;y to later wear your letterman’s jacket to every current high school party that you are not invited to. In other words, you can respect your glory days without compromising your integrity.

But what is even worse is that these Royal Family stories become WORLD NEWS!! What the hell is that all about? I mean they lead with this piffle in the States of all places! A country who is founded of NOT having a Royal Family…caters to the news of a royal family. And I am sure France, India, New Zealand, Germany, etc has to hear about this tripe as well. This makes even less sense. I mean sure, England is wearing their letterman’s jacket at the age of 40, but these other countries are still treating them as the star quarterback.

Stop it world! Stop humouring this humourless lot. Let’s cease this mindless banter about Prince William, Princess Kate, and start focusing on more important issues like Derek Fisher marrying Matt Barnes ex-wife and why Jeff Bezos feels the need to remake Lord of the Rings into a TV series. You know, real issues…….