(Hitch)Hikers Guide to Not Getting Lost

This past weekend marks the 134th time a hiker was lost and found since I moved the PNW. Not only is hearing about this time after time an irritant in my life, I also question is it really in our best inters to save these people?

A recent study conducted by the Seattle Spew says saving these bozos from their misguided adventures literally costs dozens of dollars, minutes of labor, and up to 5 minutes per month of local news air time. I say this level of cost is just too much to save some annoying, pretentious failed outdoorsman from him/herself.

These adventure seekers are pretty much some of the most self-righteous and pompous people you can encounter around these parts. These guys think by walking around wooded areas, or scaling medium-sized mountains, they are somehow more in tune with nature then us ‘city folk’ and really have a handle on what it means to live life.

Meanwhile as they are lost, they are crying like the little tender babies they are wanting to go home because once again, nature kicked their ass.

You know what the worst thing is in all of this? After they get saved, I bet dimes to dollars they post on their Tinder profile how brave they are and that minstrels are now composing motets that sing the praises of their heroic exploits. Better yet, they will have some lame-ass picture on their profile when them in their REI gear posing in front of some mountain or tree, ignoring the fact their own self-constructed trip into the wild ended up in absolute failure and embarrassment.

I say let them have their true adventure, let them get lost, stay lost, and there is one less Subaru we have to deal with on the road. Who are we to interfere with natural selection?