These Are the People in Your Neighborhood: Part I

This is part 1 of a 78 part series that explains the various type of people that live in Seattle.

Part I: The Hipster Doofus

Found mainly in ultra-hip places like Capitol Hill and Fremont, the hipster doofus is native to the Pacific Northwest. The way one can identify a hipster doofus (or ‘hipstaria doofusdalis’) is by their bold horned-rimmed glasses, pipe-cleaner sized arms with a tattoo sleeve, tight jeans that are rolled up to his ankle, a belt that even a rodeo cowboy would be self-conscious wearing, a t-shirt that syas something oh so witty, an unmanicured bee-beard, and a hair with a hard part. Many times this species can be found outside a local dive bar sucking on a cigarette, talking about how ‘ironic’ everything is, and sipping a Pabst Blue Ribbon. The hipster doofus is mainly attracted to indie films, bands you have never heard of, authors that no one wants to read, and soccer. Most hipster doofi are between the ages of 21-30, but some can be a young as 16 and as old and pathetic as 50.

I see this guy pretty much everywhere I go. I’m so sick and tired of this guy’s ‘unique’ take on life and how everything is soooo lame and played out. He is the guy who thinks he bucks the trend, yet there is no one more trendy than this asshat. He feels everyone is so judgmental and intolerant, yet he is the one quickest to judgement. He even tries to size me up; thinks that I am some corporate asshole that loves sports and likes action films. He is correct in this, but still sucks for thinking that.

And those tats….I bet those are going to look great at the age of 60. I’ve seen this dude at the gym trying to build those arms up; curling his 5 lb weight, having that accomplished smug look on his face while wearing his ‘I don’t eat animals, that makes me suck less’. No sir, not eating animals makes you frail, telling me about it makes you pretentious and shitty, therefore this combination makes you suck MORE!

He believes he is so cosmopolitan because he once went to Paris on his parent’s tab. And this guy will tell you about his trip every time you see him. When conversating, this type of stuff comes oozing out of his piehole: ‘Oh in France, they have a great health care system’, or ‘in Paris, everyone drinks wine and enjoys life’, or, ‘you know they call soccer ‘football’’, or ‘in Europe, everything is so much more sophisticated’. I just want to jam a baguette in his damn mouth to stop his inane banter.

The bottom line is avoid this doucher at all costs. He is very dangerous. He will invade your thoughts and incite an inner ire that need not be tampered with. Or even worse, you may become him!!