50 Nifty United States

Fifty is a nice round number. It is exactly half of 100, which is even a nicer round number, it is easily divisible by 10, and is way better than the neighbors of 49 51. So I get why we have 50 states.

What I don’t get is why Alaska and Hawaii have to be states.

Well, I am on to your shenanigans Hawaii and Alaska, and I say no more!!

First off, look at that map. Look at it!! Look at those freak states, sitting over there by themselves. It is like they are too cool to be a contiguous part of American so they isolate themselves from the rest of society just to be ‘different’.

Secondly, the populations on theses so-called ‘states’ are so not with the other 48, they are really like a foreign country. I mean Hawaii has been having a virtual civil between the natives and the white-bred hodads for decades, it really isn’t a safe place to be. And Alaska, well, there is no one living there but men with beards and elk. Both of these states have small and odd populations yet they each receive 2, count them, 2 senators. California has more people than Alaska and Hawaii ten times over and only have half the senators.

Thirdly, what have they even contributed to the mainland? Hawaii gave us Obama and Hawaiian Punch, but that’s about it. And Alaska, well, they have oil and gold, but, well, that’s sort of good stuff. Still….doesn’t matter. Alaska is too far away!

I say you have to at least touch the mainland in order to be a state. If not, you are a territory. We will take your punch, your oil, your gold, and your presidential candidates, and in return you get weird semi-citizenship privileges that Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands have. But that’s it! No more reps or senators for you.

So I say to keep the integrity of the idea of ‘50’ states, cut California and Texas in half.

No Cal and So Cal are so different, why be one state? Their needs are completely different and should be represented by being two states. Cut across Fresno (because everyone knows Fresno sucks ass) and there you go,

Texas should be diagonally cut from southwest to northeast where San Antonio, Austin, and Houston and in the lower half and Dallas and all the other piece of shit redneck towns are in the upper half.

It seems so clear to me that this should be the case; better and more fair representation on Capitol Hill for these behemoth states and it rids us of the oddities and inconvenience that Hawaii and Alaska present.

Problem solved!!

Editor’s Note: Due to a conflict, the Tacoma Tirade could not guest write today. But in the near future, expect his op-ed piece about Trump and an interview with me about the state of politics.