USA! USA!: A Brief History of Everything

It’s ‘America Week’ at the Spew! To celebrate the birth of our country, this week is dedicated to what I like to call ‘The Greatest Country in the World! Or at least top 5 percentile…’

For those who say this dedication is a week late, I say ‘I didn’t know there was a time limit for loving my country, dammit!!’ So shut up and read on……

Have you ever wondered how our great nation came to be? How this isolated land so far away from mainland Europe and Asia became the #1 most awesome-est force in the entire universe?

I have as well. But look no further! Today I will sketch out a time line, pieced together from TV, movies, fragments of my memory in 11th grade, and things I logically deduced to fill in the holes.

1492- An Italian named Christopher Columbus sailed from Spain to a strange new land, inhabited by a new people no one have ever met before. Columbus was a gracious guest, befriended his hosts, and started a long and lasting relationship between Europe and the people native to the land.

1508- An explorer named Amerigo Vespucci heard of this friendly alliance, so decided to stop by and generously lend his name to the new world.

1620- People from England wanted to join the fun as well, so some traveled over to Plymouth and help usher in their peaceful and progressive interpretation of religion to this country.

1621- To welcome the new visitors, the natives of the area had a big feast. Everyone was having such a good time until Uncle Bob drank too much, kissed his neighbors wife, and got in a fight with a tree; thus starting all time-held traditions of Thanksgiving.

1773- People in America apparently really liked tea, but were tired of the outrageous prices. So instead of not buying tea and having a proper boycott, some dudes dressed up like Indian stereotypes and vandalized Boston Harbor. This started a long history of Boston douche baggery.

1776- Thomas Jefferson said ‘We are free from British Rule’, and apparently that worked.I would have thought the British Empire would be resistant to that. Anyway…..

1789- A year after the constitution was drafted and America cleansed themselves of King George, everyone wanted another King George….Washington! But he said ‘No, heavy is the head that wears the crown’. So he decided to be president, which required no crown wearing.

1794- The cotton gin was invented. I really don’t know why this was important. Every history teacher I know mentioned this, but I don’t even know what it is. I wear cotton, I drink gin, but a cotton gin? Sounds like made up bullshit to me.

1861- Like all close-knit families, they get tired of each other and start fighting. Hence the American Civil War.

1865- America won!!! USA!! USA!!!

1908- Henry Ford invented the car, or as I like to call it the ‘motorized horse and buggy’. This time also marks the beginning of the end of the ozone layer.

1917- World War I. I am not sure what we did in this war, but we certainly take credit for winning it.

1929- Stock market crash! Will the US ever recover?

1932- Yes we did. In your face, money!

1937- The US enters another world war. Unlike most cases, the sequel was way more interesting.

1941- We won again!! USA! USA! America-2, World-0.

1950- For some reason, we attack Korea. I think it was just to film MASH, because there was no other reason for this.

1965- For some reason, we attack Vietnam. I think it was just to film Apocalypse Now, because there was no other reason for this.

1980- Steve Jobs invented the home computer out of old parts from the ENIAC. This catalyzed a cult movement called ‘Apple’, where the loyal followers swear to only buying overpriced products with bitten fruit on them.

1990- Al Gore invented the internet

1990 (one day later)- Internet porn was invented

2001- Fellowship of the Ring was premiered in theaters all across America. This heroic tale of two small hobbits saving the Earth from the evil asshole Sauron inspired everyone who saw it and changed the entire mentally of a nation.

2016- After 15 years of absolutely nothing of interest happening, the Seattle Spew made it’s debut to an audience of literally dozens, educating the masses on the state of affairs across all aspects of life.

2018- Donald Trump is inaugurated and America promptly falls into the ocean, never to be heard from again.