Alien Week: My Plea to the Aliens

Hello and welcome to Alien Week at the Spew! In order to honor the opening of Independence Day 2, possibly the silliest, stupidest, guiltiest pleasure franchise in movie history, The Spew will have a week long dedication to all things alien.

If aliens launched an all-out attack on Earth, we would be in big trouble.

First of all, they would have a plan. They probably been probing Earth for years without us knowing, have a really good plan because I bet they are smart, and would have calculated are reasonable amount of weaponry to defeat us.

Secondly, we would not be ready for this. We would be literally caught with our pants down (and by ‘literally’ I mean figuratively) and would have no chance of assembling an equivalent army to battle these guys.

Third, and most important, they would have a technology soooooooo far beyond what we have, they would have such cooler guns, missiles, bombs, etc that there would be no counter. I mean there are literally billions of stars (and by ‘literally’ I mean literally this time) in our galaxy alone, there are billions of galaxies, and there would probably be billions (and by billions I mean zillions) of light years separating us from their home planet. In other words, they would have to have the ability to bend space/time, travel via wormholes, or do something even weirder than that to get anywhere in this vast cosmos. Do you know the amount of energy it would take to bend space/time? Of course you don’t!!!! No one does. It’s out of our comprehension. And how in the hell did they locate us in the first place? Jeez, these aliens are really on the ball about this ‘attack us’ thing.

In other words, if they came for war, it would definitely not go down like it did in Independence Day. There is no president piloting a plane, there is no Fresh Prince shooting down alien ships, and there definitely no Randy Quaid-esque guy who will participate in saving the human race. They would win. And rather easily.

So here is my plea to the aliens; please don’t make me work in the salt mines.

I’m sure the aliens came here for our awesome natural resources, and if there is anything science fiction has taught me, it is these two things:

1) aliens like salt

2) working in a salt mine (or any mine for that matter) is not pleasant

I’m really not that handy either. I can’t even change my own oil, what use would I be in a mine? My hands blister easy as well, it is just a lose-lose situation for both alien and myself.

However, I think I would be an excellent pet. I don’t bark, I’ll eat anything, I really don’t need much exercise, and I’m very loyal (just don’t ask the human race I deserted during the battle). All I really need is a place to sleep, a bit of water and food, and an occasional trip to the human park.

I am really looking out for the aliens on this. They don’t need someone like me whining about the intense back-breaking work they are thrusting upon me. I can really be uncooperative in situations I am uncomfortable in. It would just be so much easier for all concerned to just let me lie around; that is where you would really see me thrive and be the best ‘me’ I can be.

Isn’t that what we all want?