Gym Stories: Part VI

Welcome to Gymtime Stories: Part VI of a CCXIII part series.

Part VI: The Hens

I remember the first time I went to the gym, I was a bit nervous. I always had these images of big beefy guys that would target at a skinny wimp like myself with derisive looks and mild harassment. We have all seen those high school movies where the jocks in the weight room bully around the nerdy guy with glasses and make him feel bad about himself. I was fearful that this would be my fate when I signed up for LA Fitness.

It turned out this is not the case at all. In fact I find that these meaty sorts are about the least interactive people in the gym. They sort of float around the place like a Blue Whale in the sea; no real recognition of the surroundings, no real interest in anything but their own existence. I also found that the muscle-heads are typically the best when it comes to gym etiquette; they put their weights back, they wipe off the machines, and they leave their area in a reasonable time.

However there is a group that does not show this kind of gym etiquette. These people do not put weights back, they do not leave machines in a reasonable time, in fact they go OUT of their way to get IN your way by chatting with other people who really do not want to work out.

These people are the ‘Hens’. These ‘Hens’ just waddle around the gym all day, clucking it up with other hens, lean on machines, pulleys, and weights that other people may want to use. There is no true physical activity going on. There is no strain on their body. The only muscle they are exercising is their jaw. Hens care nothing about the others around them, all their focus is directed on themselves and their stupid little conversation they are having with the other hens.

Hens come in all types, but mainly in either disgruntled, self-important, middle-aged housewife form or in single, upset their government benefits are not more yet refuse to pay more taxes, old man form. Although both forms have structurally different physical forms, both are equally annoying for all the same reasons.

What makes matters worse is that the hens know (or care) nothing about time. To hens, time is an extra dimension that is not an ever-changing, rather a static and flat surface that we mere humans cannot recognize. Due to this unconventional way of perceiving time, the hens will not cluck around their chicken coup for waaaaaay too long during the busiest times of the gym out of spite or malice, it is because they have no thought of the massive inconvenience this places on the masses. Due to this fact, I do not think these hens will ever learn proper gym etiquette; they do not have the cognitive abilities to retain simple gym rules.

So when you encounter a hen, there really is nothing you can do. You can complain to them, to the management, etc, but nothing will be done. Just sit back and internalize all the hate you have for them, just like I do.