What to Get the Person Who Has Everything?

My first question about this person is…why in the hell are we worried about this guy at all? I mean this person literally has ‘everything’ by the precise definition of who this person is.

But there is a more interesting and deeper question that underlies the ‘gift for the one who has it all’. It is the idea that we HAVE to get gifts for everyone we know during the holidays, regardless of need or even interest in getting a gift.

This is one of the reasons why Christmas is primarily a child’s holiday. Kids are pretty much needy and due to pesky child labor laws, have no money. So they are completely dependent on their parents. Throughout the year it is variable about what kids get at times, but not at Christmas. Oh No, Christmas is the one guaranteed time of year where they will get that Lego set, or the new video game, or whatever thing they want. When you start earning your own keep, the idea of presents is not as exciting.

And it shouldn’t be.

So the trick is for all gifters is this: what can I buy the person that they normally won’t buy themselves yet actually want (and not cost too much money). The reality is that if it is an item that said person really wanted, he/she would have bought it already for themselves. So you end up buying like weird, peripheral things for that person: eg; books on what they may be interested in, unframed posters of a movie you think they may have mentioned a few months ago, or a t-shirt 2x too large indicating they are a fan of some university in your area. And the return of reaction to said gift never balances out the deep thought that was put into the gift; a typical ‘yeah, that’s really cool’ reaction ensues the unwrapping of a present that has a 70% chance of either never being opened or being regifted. And that sucks considering you spent like 2 months slaving over what to get this douche canoe you barely even know.

So what is the answer to this gift-giving poser? I really don’t know. Pragmatically, it is better to just agree on not buying or receiving gifts because possibly the best true gift to give someone is to relieve the gift giving burden for that season. But humans don’t operate like that. Gifts are fun to give and receive, so maybe just continuing this fruitless dance of gift exchanges is the best course of action.

As for me, I’ll dance the dance. I’ll buy either dozens of presents on one topic I think they find interesting or ridiculously generic Christmas gifts like bath oils for the people I don’t know. And in return, I’ll do every puzzle book that was gifted to me, wear every shirt I receive at some point, and use every whisky glass I unwrap, just to honor their thoughtfulness in my own way.