Top 10 New Year Resolutions I will Certainly Not Keep

10. I Will Go On a Diet

This will just not happen. Other than the fact I am skinny as a rail, I like sweets and fat way too much to forfeit them from my diet. Isn’t it funny that everything that is bad for you tastes so good? You would think through evolution that may have been kicked out of our system, but it hasn’t. And for all those hipsters that say things that are good for can taste good….well….eat a cheeseburger over a gardenburger and shut up.

9. I Will Read More

I don’t like to read. In fact, my mother to this very day thinks I am illiterate. And considering how long it has been since I finished a book, this actually may be true. I love stories, but I prefer the more efficient form of story-telling, via by movie or TV show or by Wikipedia synopsis. It can take literally over a week to read an entire book yet it takes a solid night of binge-watching to get through the same story. Which one is a better use of your time?

8. I Will Wrestle a Bear

This just doesn’t make sense. Why in the world would I ever want to wrestle a bear? I mean a bear has claws, fangs, and a significant weight advantage. I would not stand a chance. This pledge to wrestle our ursine friend is just plain nonsense. I will not be doing this.

7. I Will Work Out My Legs More

Leg workouts are the worse! They are exhausting, not fun, and I always come out stiff afterwards. I can’t even bend down to tie my shoe for at least 3 days. Just wear pants and hide those skinny disproportionate legs, no one will ever know the difference. And ladies don’t even care about legs. They say they do, but they really don’t.

6. I Will Give to More Charities

The money I make is mine. It is not for poor people. If poor people want more money, maybe they should get a better job, like become a CEO or an actor or something. I like my money to go to things that benefit me, such as attending football games, expensive haircuts, and complicated shoes. As the old saying goes: give a man a dollar they eat two tacos from Jack in the Box, teach a man to print money, they can eat Jumbo Jacks with tacos for eternity.

5. I Will Be More Understanding Towards People With Different Political Views

I will not do this. This president-elect is an ass-clown who is a life-suck, a black hole of attention, a vortex of idiocy. He cares about one thing and that is himself. Everything he does is to benefit himself and no one else. He takes and takes and never gives. Anyone who voted for him and didn’t predict how he is currently behaving is a fuckin’ idiot. I will never think otherwise.

4. I Will Box a Kangaroo

This is sort of like the bear one. I mean why in the world would I ever want to box a kangaroo? It is just plain silly. I guess I have a better shot at the kangaroo than the bear, but I really see no plus side to this pugilistic endeavor. If I win, man bests marsupial. Sort of eh, huh? But if I lose, this may give those short-armed critters from down under some ideas….maybe revolutionary ideas. I will not be doing this.

3. I Will Not Take Sports Losses So Seriously

Sports is too interwoven into my psyche, I can’t help this. Yes, I get too angry and upset over results that have no substantial meaning in the context of the universe, but it still vexes me when the o-line can’t run block or a 4-man rush gives the QB 5 seconds of time. It is just the way I am and it is too late to change me.

2. I Will Be Less Judgemental

Hey, I don’t think I am too judgmental right now. Sure, I write a highly opinionated post every day that contains a hot take on all facets of life, but so what? There is a difference between being judge-y and being correct. I like to think I am the latter. And besides, who are you to judge me about being too judgmental? Maybe it is YOU and not me that needs this resolution more.

1. I Will Think More Positively

Positive people are annoying. They always preach about how awesome things are and that with the power of positive thinking, anything is possible. Yet is it possible for them to shut the hell up? Negative thinking can be energy draining, but it makes for better humor. Ever know a positive person to be funny? Of course not!! Happy people are not funny. They are irritating and self-righteous. Negative people are funny because most comedy is based on negative stuff. Also it is always fun to laugh at other people’s misery. Misery is relatable, and very funny when it is someone else’s.