Top 10 Fears Americans Should Have In a Trump Presidency

10. Weird Words like ‘Bigly’ and ‘Yuge’ Appear in the Dictionary

These are not words. These are weird sounds that somehow squirm out of Trump’s mouth and vaguely sound like other, more well-recognized words. We do not need to expand the dictionary any more with pop-culture lingo or strange noises emanating from some fathead’s piehole. In fact, I would argue there are too many words in the dictionary in general. ‘Huge’ and ‘big’? We really need only one of those in the first place.

9. ‘The Art of the Deal’ Becomes Required Reading in English Classes

Not a good book. Even the author has gone on the record saying what an inept man Trump is and how unintelligent he is. Why do we need this book to be required reading? I mean there are so many other fine books that should be required: Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, The Silmarilion, and the book adaptation of Max Max: Fury Road. These are texts our children need to be familiar with. Besides, ‘The Art of the Deal’ is redundant; it has 15 Chapter 9’s. ZING!!

8. The New Jersey Generals Become an NFL Expansion Team

Back in the mid 80’s there was a competing pro football league called the USFL (watch the ESPN 30 for 30 on this, fascinating look at Trump before he even ran). And guess who owned one of the teams? You guessed it, Donald Trump. He owned the New Jersey Generals. They were an OK team but never won a title. Of course there were only 3 full seasons. Anyway, the main motivation for Trump at the time was to become an NFL owner and possibly merge some teams with the NFL, ala the ABA and NBA. This clearly did not happen. 30 years later though, I would not be surprised if there is a 33rd team in the NFL for the ‘17 season.

7. Minorities Will Lose the Right to Vote

Minorities tend to vote for things I vote for, so I may find myself on the raw deal of every vote, both local and federal. If this happens, I may never see any legislators I agree with again. That would really suck!! Oh yeah, it would also be sort of unfair for the minorities and I think it is unconstitutional….not sure about that though, I lent the Khan family my pocket constitution a few months ago.

6. Trump University Ressurects Itself and Becomes an Ivy League School

This university is a joke. Other than the fact the founder lies about his education himself (he is NOT a Wharton grad or MBA holder, just took classes via the Wharton School), this university is currently under investigation for being a scam, a con, and being a really shitty school. So it would be really unfair to see Trump U magically appear in the Ivy League conference. I mean no one would be interested in the Harvard Crimson vs Trump Icewolves (yes Icewolves! If Seattle is never going to use my idea of Icewolves as their mascot for their future NHL team, I’ll give it to Trump U) forced rivalry?

5. Women are Not Allowed to Own Property Anymore

Yes, this one is inherently unfair and patently unnecessary. I mean of course women should be able to own land! What time are we living in, 1850’s? C’mon Trump! You can’t do that to the females in this great country! But……this may play well for me. Fewer buyers, real estate costs go down, maybe can make ‘SpewWorld’ a reality…….I may have to rethink this one.

4. Rise of the Lizard People

To be fair, this one is not Trump-specific. I mean this has been an ongoing worry for quite some time. According to Ancient Aliens, the time of the lizard people finally pulling off their human-like masks and revealing themselves to the world ala V is drawing nigh. If this happens on Trump’s watch, that may not be his fault. Unless….he is one of them. Nah, that is too silly. Or is it?

3. I Will Have to Learn How to Speak Russian

I really don’t want to learn a new language. I am still having a hard enough time with English. Besides, look at that alphabet!!! It makes no sense at all!! It is like our alphabet and the Greek alphabet had a deformed baby and they named it ‘Russian Alphabet’. I mean do you see that backwards C with a line through it? What the hell is that all about? How do I pronounce that thing? I don’t have a chance in the Trump-Putin world we are entering if I have to learn to read these seemingly random characters. I prefer ‘ABC’ over their ‘A, weird B, B’.

2. Nuclear War

This would be the worst!! All of life as we know it exterminated due to an impulsive tweet that irks the wrong world leader. Seems like a waste, considering how precious and rare life is in this universe. Think about it, we have been looking around for centuries for life on other planets and still have come up dry. To extinguish the one planet that actually has this miracle of life seems so…..rude. I mean, what a jerk move. Besides, I am not ready to die just yet. I want to see Better Call Saul come to an end and still need to see Sherlock.

1. Turns Out Trump Was Right All Along

What would be even worse than nuclear extinction? Finding out that Trump was right all along. Wouldn’t it be amazing that upon further investigation, everything he said was correct and all those scandals were media-driven lies? Trump U was a pillar of intelligence, he actually was against the Iraq War, he could grab random women by the pussy, Trump steaks were actually delicious, and he truly did fight for every American. Later, he becomes the greatest president of all time, uniting the world, making all our lives that much better via his reign as supreme commander. Statues will be erected, minstrels will be singing songs of his heroism and utter bigly-ness. Wouldn’t that be great?

Eh, I still prefer nuclear war.